In Progress
THIS IS CRAP. Crap, crap, crap, crap, crap. It needs work and maybe some day I'll work on it. It was an adventure into a different writing style that didn't quite work. It's not an enjoyable read at all.

On the roof, on a clear day, the sky seemed to go on uninterrupted forever. The sun would warm the rough black shingles and you could stretch out just like a cat and lay there all warm and cozy, wasting away a whole day sometimes. We always went up there to get away from everything, me and Ben. Me and Ben were always trying to get away.

I remember up there one time, Ben promised me he’d never leave me alone. He said if he got away, if he finally made it, he’d take me right along with him. He was always talking about leaving and starting our own lives. He said he just wanted me to be happy some day. He always wanted me to smile. I never much felt like smiling.

Ben made a lot of promises. He never really kept them, but I never really expected it. I learned a long time ago that he liked to wish and he liked to dream a lot. I did too, but not like Ben. Sometimes he’d get so caught up in a dream that he wouldn’t remember what life was really like. He’d forget all about being stuck and being miserable. I tried, but I could never forget.

We were up there at night time, laying and staring off into the stars. When the sun went down, it got cold and sometimes windy on the roof. You got very aware of how tough the shingles were on your skin and how high up you were, how you could stumble in the dark and fall and maybe break your neck and die. I didn’t like being up there at night, but Ben was with me, so I didn’t mind so much. He kept his arm around me, keeping me all up and close to him, making me feel safe. He loved to look at the stars, but he knew I was afraid, so he’d sort of hold me like that when we were up there after dark.

I thought the stars were pretty, but I couldn’t stare like he could. He watched like he could read them, like there was some secret language I couldn’t understand, but I should want to be able to understand. I didn’t mind that I couldn’t, though. I just liked being with Ben. Sometimes I’d watch his face, watch him concentrate on secret things, and find him terribly attractive. He had these wide sort of eyes, very pretty with heavy lashes for a boy. They were a cool blue that sometimes changed with his moods. I liked them very much. I liked his lips, and full, pouty, like model’s. His father used to tell him he had girl’s lips. I didn’t mind. They felt nice to kiss.

I wanted to kiss him then, only I didn’t want to interrupt him. He looked to be concentrating so hard, and I hated to make him lose track of whatever he was thinking. I threaded my fingers through his hair, which was thick and long and sometimes got really curly. I moved closer to him, thinking I could maybe ease his attention back to me.

“Ben?” I asked in a soft tone after a minute when I got impatient. I tried to sound real sweet and cute and content, not impatient because he wasn’t paying attention to me. “What are you thinking about?”

He heaved a sigh, closing his eyes and looking half-annoyed, but just for a second. When he opened his eyes back up, he gave me a smile and a kiss with those soft lips of his before saying anything.

“Do you wanna know what I’m thinking?” he asked in that tired voice he used sometimes, when I knew something was really wrong. He didn’t even let me answer him, he just went on, sounding so sad. “I was thinking about dying. About how sometimes I think it’s the only sure way to get out of this goddamned place.”

It scared me when he said things like that. Even with all of his escaping and dreaming, he could be more morbid than I could sometimes. “Don’t say that,” I tried to pretend I thought he was joking, even though I knew he wasn’t, and he knew I knew.

Ben just smiled sadly and changed the subject just like he did any time he made me worry. “I think you should wear that pretty green dress of yours when we go out Saturday. I really like that one.”

I nodded, but I didn’t want to talk anymore.

That was the last time Ben and I went up on the roof together. It isn’t a very good memory, not compared to the other memories. Sometimes we had a lot of fun up there, kissing and laughing and talking about nothing. But I can’t think of the other times without remember that last one and how morbid Ben had been.

I dressed up for Ben on Saturday. I wore the green dress and put my hair up all nice like he liked best. He was late picking me up, but I didn’t worry. Sometimes he just ran late, trying to fix up that thick, curly hair of his. I waited for him a while, but I’m impatient and when I get to waiting, I get to worrying and thinking of all the things that could go wrong in the world. Ben lived only a short walk away from me, so I went to his house to help him with his hair like I always did. He didn’t let me in when I came to the door, which was strange, but not that strange. I tried not to worry. Ben hated to upset me like that.

I walked right on into the house and to his bedroom, where I knew he’d be getting dressed. I waited outside the door and knocked, starting to worry when I didn’t hear him respond like usual.

“Ben? Are you in there?” I tried not to sound impatient with him. He was always so understanding with me, not minding waiting or slowing things down so I could catch up. I hated to rush him when HE needed ME to wait.

Ben still didn’t answer me. I was real scared, because he’d never done that before. He’d never ignored me when I needed him.
I tried the bedroom door, and it was unlocked. “Ben?” I called again, unable to keep from sounding as frightened as I was. I stepped into the bedroom and it was like stepping into some mixed-up fantasy world, only it wasn’t at all fantastic. Ben wasn’t fussing with his hair. He wasn’t even getting ready. Instead, he was lying on the floor, trying weakly to push himself to his feet.
I think I screamed. I know I must have, because nobody could see what I saw and not be scared witless. Ben’s arms and carpet were covered in dark red. Blood. His blood. I’m not so naive that I didn’t realize what was going on. I remembered that last night on the roof.
“Go home, Lori,” I think Ben said. I remember he told me to leave, and then gave up on getting up.
I was wild with emotion, and I remember shouting at him. I remember bringing up all of those promises he’d made me. He just stared at me, all the nice color gone out of his eyes, making them dull and grey.
I remember his voice and what he said next. I’ll never forget the sound of those last words. “You were so hard to love.”
I wanted to shout at him more, only I felt all of the anger go out of me just the, leaving behind a sort of empty sadness that was so big it hurt. I watched him as I started to shake and the tears started to fall. I saw those full lips of his curl into a smile. I’ll never forget what it looked like to watch him die. All of the sudden, the life just went out of his eyes. One second he was there, and the next he was limp, like some empty shell.
I don’t remember much of what happened next. I remember by the time anyone got there, I was holding onto Ben and begging him to come back. He promised he’d never leave me alone. He promised me. He lied.
I’m alone. I’ll never get out of this place now. I’m hopeless by myself.
But it’s my fault. If I hadn’t been so hard to love, then maybe Ben would have stuck around.